Illinoir

Word count 48,047

It’s real weird, once you get to 48k, just how quickly the whole thing gets done. Or at least, that’s my hope. I mean, it’s a mere 2000 words. That’s nothing.

Today’s bit is, I realized, kind of what I’d hoped to write when I first had this idea a year ago. A sort of zombie society where things like Zombie Digest (which I think is just a hilarious name for a zombie publication) actually exist. And zombies have conversations about which types of humans have the tastiest brains. And the Amish are just constantly terrorized what with their unadulterated-by-technology gray matter.

Anyhow — glad to get a little bit of that in this.

Crossing the room, I opened a door to find a gigantic walk-in closet, full of clothes more expensive than I had ever worn from floor to ceiling. I could tell just by feeling them that they were of the highest quality. The labels were of designers I’d only vaguely heard of, never having paid much attention to fashion. Seven empty hangars amongst his shirts and four more amongst the pants provided further evidence that Stimph had planned and packed for a trip away from home.

“Nice duds,” I said.

“Brains.” Nicer than yours.

“What do you know about fashion anyway?” I asked, defensively.

“Brains.” We are learning.

“That’s just adorable, Westy. Maybe I can show you some old episodes of Project Runway or America’s Next Top Sweatshop Workers. You’ll love them, I’m sure.”

“Brains.” We believe that you will find, once you get around to actually fulfilling your end of the bargain whereby you eat some brains, the brain matter of one who watches less than four hours of television per week are of much higher quality in terms of size, taste, and tenderness than those who watch more than four hours per week. One who watches more then 20 hours per week will have a brain that is very nearly inedible according to a recent survey.

“‘According to a recent survey’? Who conducted this survey? Where were the results published? Zombie Digest?”

“Brains.” We keep track of these things. Four out of five zombies agree that reality television has the most adverse effects on brain quality. Those who partake in video games (particularly puzzle games and adventure games), crossword puzzles, and reading are reported to have higher quality brains.

“Wild.” I considered the results. “Where the hell do you find someone who watches less than four hours of television a week anyhow?”

“Brains.” We admit, it is quite the rare delicacy. Amish country is a popular zombie destination for food holidays.