I keep trying to crack my neck and it doesn’t work. I enjoy, however, the action of stretching my head to one side and then the other.
My hands are shaking from the action of gripping a pen too tight during morning meeting — writing furiously 7 love notes to co-workers. I can feel my fingers trembling. Wish I had my drugs for it, but they are usually not needed and so are at home.
Feh.
tricked into thinking
that there’s hope
when there’s no hope at all
i remember drawing a map of my week once — back in high school, with cloudy days over the weekdays and the sun coming out when it was the weekend and i could go and see my girlfriend….i think i’m back into feeling that way again, tho the weekend just brings clouds of their own. for a while, i remember looking forward to the week as a distraction from things i had to do on the weekend (that ain’t no way to live, though it’s nice to look forward to such a large percentage of time)…
looking at myself though — it’s thursday and i’m nearly giddy. hell, it’s thursday and it’s NOON — 4.75 more hours till…what? binge drinking and pretending that i’ll find a girlfriend?
e x c i t e m e n t
for sure.
what the hell else is there?
Here we are at Navy Pier — Type A away day. Laptop and wireless connection and very little we can do with that. Better than the office, though not nearly as comfortable…..if only there was something to do….something indeed.
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH
or something like that. honest to god — what are these swings? more importantly, what the hell do i want? what do i expect to get?
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
shazbot.
an oasis? what the fuck were you thinking? you knew better than to think that. you tell yourself every time never again and you say, no, this time, i fucking mean it…. but you never listen to yourself.
you’re a stupid fucker and i curse the day i was born as you.
okay, it’s not as bad as all that. it really isn’t. but seriously — what the fuck?
so little is happening that it seems like so much….
next month looks like madness.
this weekend looks like the last stop at an oasis before setting out into the realm of night madness and dehydration. and june 5th looks like the light at the end of the tunnel. these are the bookends of the days of our lives.
More my revelation — I am trying to combine again. Good taste is not enough. Pop culture will not carry you. You can’t live your life in the movies you both like. Dammit. But you have to just say,”Oh well,” and move on and not try to force the round peg into the square hole….or the square peg into the round hole…or (not to be vulgar) in this case, the round peg into the round hole, because in this instance, that peg’s gonna fit in that hole, but the consequences are too much to bear.
what is me
standing here, staring there — let me
rephrase that: leaning here, casually glancing there —
and why is it so affecting, so effective.
what is me going to mean when it was supposed to be
something else, when it was supposed to mean something else,
when it wasn’t supposed to mean.
i am picturing here,
standing here, staring there — let me
rephrase that: slumping here, looking down —
a darkened room, louder than life
and what is provoactive is inspiring me
to make meaning out of molehills
to take scent and keep it,
to wake up from dreams in agony,
and where is the revelation, and where am i
in all of this?
I can’t stop thinking about every song that I hear in the “how would dragonfly have played that?” mode — it’s fun, but somewhat depressing.
it turns everything into a semi-hardcore song though.