everybody’s a moron — including me. *sigh*
keep reading mail i shouldn’t be reading…. i shouldn’t be here…
giving me nightmares all by myself. what the hell am i doing?
and making no sense.
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Absolutely pouring today — earlier, outside, sky gets darker and I head in. Thunder & lightning make an appearance and then the sky lightens up….and lets it rip. It was really coming down. Strong display of natural force impressing itself upon me…
One day left….
and a mere 11 til my birthday — another non-big-deal event. What did I even do last year? Dinner, probably. Nothing, most likely. Probably going to try to manage one of those melding-various-spheres-of-my-life get togethers that rarely work but this time I’ll be too drunk to care. As long as nobody hooks up (except me.)
Scoop! Scoop! Scoop!
Bought 2 new fans for my apartment yeterday — popped into Target (home of the lowest common denominator) and went right for the same aisle where I bought my 2 space heaters this winter.
Found the Holmes Airwave…. Set one up in the living room, one in the bedroom. Realized I’d made the right choice when last night, needing a little white noise to get to sleep, I turned the fan on low, pointed it towards the door and could still feel the breeze reflected off the wall behind me….
Just got home, turned the fan in the living room on high and nearly flew across the room.
These mofo’s is powerful powerful.
disappointed disappointing people
not living up to my potential
and the expectations keep on rising
and i just keep on sinking
deeper into what i have become
farther away from what they would have wanted
i’d never guess that this is where i’d end up
but who’s to say who’s to say who’s to blame?
(holy shit! the result of playing aggressive inline for a couple hours and subjecting myself, over and over, to the alternarock contained therein.)
meter? initial effect dampened but who am i trying to kid?
june is breaking out all over.
gotten myself somehow into helping out the folks at found magazine which is sweet for eight or nine reasons.
and i have just shared the secret of my new freckle with someone for the first time. i am opening up, finally. baring my soul. bleahty bleahty bleah.
meter? rejuvenated.
sure, face me with this, upturned toward my drowsiness,
the downfall of my laziness.
the rise and fall of sudden breath so jolting, jarring,
reminiscent of something….else.
my own breath perhaps, taken slowly in this sleepy room
and the sounds of approaching summer
on the street: the beeping of a backing truck;
construction grinds; and con men.
i could pretend to be so mature, so sophisitcated that i could be the captain of all platonic relationships. imagine being able to tell your feelings to someone, be rejected, but still able to convince them that it’s not at all an awkward situation.
because i am ABOVE all that, yeah yeah!
cuteometer: insanely. damage done is only cause for more meltations. believe me, that’s no word, and don’t i know it.
talk about the dreaded Monday being Tuesday
talk about shaking my fist at God
talk about seeing things the same way at the same time
talk about nothing at all — it’s not worth it.
travelling dreams last night – driving backwards to the airport, trying to get a message on my cel phone, traffic hell and cathy. woke up disoriented (as usual) and disconcerted (as usual) and so it goes — sleep is no respite from my thoughts and only serves as gasoline on the fire that is my morning head trip.
and then jealously, greedily upset by….everything.
fighting major wars on two fronts like the US military — but these two wars are both unwinnable. at least i’ve deployed troops, though. like it’s some sort of simulation, war-games, practice run…
and i was thinking last night that hey, a couple months ago, i was this close to actually being allowed to be with somebody. and all the negatives of that experience weren’t because of me, but because of the big fellah that is now uncomfortable around me — he must be smarter than he looks, or else he’d just take care of it all by pounding me one. and that leads one to believe that he’s not such a bad choice after all — he has displayed some sensitivity. starting to respect this guy, even though i’ve never been introduced to him ::pointed glare::
crush-proof box, my ass.