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Adam is an Idiot

amazing that i can look back and have absolutely no idea what the hell i was talking about. the mystical thing? what freaking mystical thing? that’s just ridiculous.

gave my # to a girl last night — and the lesson learned is that i do such things so rarely that each time i put way too much hope / meaning into the act. tony has the right idea — get rejected by a hundred girls you hate so the odds are good that the one you like won’t say no.

i was slick (for me, anyway) and we did have quite a lot to talk about, and a decent conversation, and becky gave me good fuel for showing shared interests….

on the other hand, if it comes down to it, what are the odds that i can become a decent stalker…? very very good. very very very good.

righteous good.

oh shut up, adam

Did I say Fuck Yet?

jesus — how times change. i have no idea where the fronts are anymore, no idea where anyone is anymore…. or where i am… but at least i’m feeling a bit less maniacal. and i’ve moved up a rung to right hand man — i sit in the presence of god himself now.

that ain’t bad.

good outweigh? sure, why not? i have things to look forward to, anyway. this mystical thing is kinda fucking me up though.

crazy couple of weeks though, that’s for sure.

did i say ‘fuck’ yet? oh yeah, i did. good.

Gone are the Days

Gone are the days….

too much change, my eyes barely staying open

bored in spite of it all — i’ve seen change before

there’s nothing new under the sun — the sun’s not even out

i’ve got too much to complain for and not enough

to keep me awake through the day

blessed are we who we are — blessed are my yawning

cries for help, my pickled panic button worn thin

from obsessive fondling and perhaps excessive pushing.

can i even face these people another day? can i ever turn around and say, alright, now i trust you again…trust you to fuck me over again…trust you to let me handle my own way my own way….

Anger

Yesterday, trying to light a cigarette and my zippo failing me, I was convinced that I could light it with the fire shooting out of my eyes.

The zippo finally came through.

So much anger and rage lately, I’ve been unable to even categorize any other feelings. Tough to know what anything is about with the cloud just there….Very much looking forward to being through with this and able to live free….issue free?

So much to do, so much to see, so what’s wrong with taking the …. oh fuck that…

Birthday Report

chaoskid military report:

15 june 2002: heavy fighting on many fronts, morale low, chaoskid shellshocked in bathroom, staring in disbelief at his own image in the mirror. direct contact with saboteurs leave chaoskid relatively worthless.

furthermore, another name is added to the list of those who aren’t with us and are therefore against us — chaoskid is, by definition, not organized enough to deal with this development.

16 june 2002: direct contact with enemy puts a sudden and decisive end to the war. chaoskid comes home in defeat, yelling, “where’s MY parade?” there is nobody there to greet him, and that’s kind of the problem, isn’t it?

on a positive note: this defeat leaves chaoskid able to wage his dual-border war. again, new enemy meets main requirement of being almost certainly undefeatable.

chaoskid never enters a battle that he knows he might be able to win.

hoo-ah?

hoo-ah.

A Dream…

Dream:

At some family function. Eating dinner with Dad, Joyce, Debbie, Lisa. House is crowded and suddenly 10 or 12 more people show up, including Greg (with some bizarre facial hair.) Debbie immediately asks Greg if she wants to see David’s new car. They go out the back of the house, I go out the front. Hear a little kid call Greg’s full name and feel jealous that one of my nieces knows him somehow better than me. Into car, driving down Central Street (and this is where it gets good) going too fast, my legs won’t move, I can’t stop the car, my face is numb…. and a van is pulling out in front of me.

And that’s when I wake up.

Gee – could this be at all related to the careening-out-of-control project I’m working on? Maybe? Huh?

Am I at all refreshed from my nap?

crushed

heavy in the heart

like this crush could really crush

my blood flows slowly

….even as it flows faster. i can feel each cell, at the same time i can feel it rushing through my veins. and there is…

pressure behind eyes

forcing trembles through my lips

revert to my youth

…when i wore my feelings on my face and in my hands.

Sci-Hop

what’s the deal with the genre of what i like to call “sci-hop”?

doctor octagon makes a living reading out of science books. blackalicious has a song that is the same.

psychology is not applied biology

nor is biology applied chemistry.

I Forget

i honestly had something to say, something very clever and insightful and revolutionary and it has completely slipped my mind.

i can not stand it when you forget something you were about to say and someone says, “oh, then it must not have been very important…” what bullshit! what if it was the most important thing in the world and i’m the most forgetful person on earth. what if i absolutely forgot to tell you to not press that big button marked “SELF-DESTRUCT.” just because i couldn’t remember to warn you doesn’t make it a trivial matter, does it? why don’t you answer that question while you’re picking the little bits of yourself up off the ground?

seriously though, don’t push that self-destruct button or else we’re toast.

“Is Pepsi OK?” “No.”

Interesting conversation this weekend about cola beverages…

I asked for a Coke at a resturant and was served an RC…. My lunchmates were baffled by my displeasure.

Often when ordering a Coke, you’ll be asked, “Is Pepsi okay?” to which I will always reply, “No, it is not,” and come up with some acceptable alternative. Those times that I’m not asked, I feel like the resturant is screwing me.

Dig it this way: If you ask for a turkey sandwich and all they have is chicken, they will tell you. They won’t just bring you a chicken sandwich and pretend everything’s fine.

Perhaps Coke has been generalized enough (a la Xerox, Kleenex, Laundromat, etc.) that saying “Coke” just means “A cola beverage…”

but not to me, dammit.