Skip navigation

Category Archives: Uncategorized

Sweating Bullets

as if anything could top that….

sitting here in the dining room… first time all day not near some sort of circulated or moving air, or being showered with cold water, or outside… just sitting here, the dining room fan is doing double duty in the living room now and just sitting here sweating my ass off. ridiculous. sweating more here now and i don’t even feel particularly hot….just dripping.

another near panic attack on this shit. god i have no direction, i have no vision of the future, i have nothing i’m even striving towards… i’m merely working on survival at this point…i need to affect some sort of change but i don’t know what the fuck that would be…. honest to god, i was starting to think that maybe this all started the day i rearranged the bedroom furniture. like it’s somehow holding me back.

something concrete?

misa’s new apartment building, walking into it, filled with bizarre sense of familiarity. not deja vu — no feeling that i’d been there before, but just an aura of the place…so unable to describe it. then i tell tony about it, mention it’s an old hotel in logan square and he knows the building — it’s where phillip lives now. what’s that all about?

feel like i can only waste so much time…. maybe the answer will come to me… maybe i’ll hit bottom. why am i so lost? never felt this before, i don’t think…. coming up on six months single. is that it? where will the answers come from? stay tuned, fearless reader!

same chaotic time…same chaotic channel….

Why The Brak Show Rules

zorak: now give me the money!

brak: but this is for college!

zorak: *SWIPE*

brak: awww, now i’ll never be a barber!

oh, mercy.

figured out the problem is i have no idea where i want my life to go right now…or how i want it to get there…or what the fuck…? maybe been too focussed on this project, blaming it too much for everything…fuck.

i just don’t know where to take things.

Data Screaming Through my Head

data screaming through my head

at point of no return

free another stream of information

to the empty world

and noone to receive it

Friendship Lasers

depravity designed missed haven’t taken last mind sieze the lakefront property taste of delino deshields make mine maize played out the barrel treated to breadsticks in bali traded for teams that take ten lessons learned while leaning over the next of kin friendship lasers never grace my presence with this streamed through servers in madison what’s the deal? it’s more than punctuation, it’s more than something you use to stop yourself.

Scent of a Woman

Older couple asked me for directions to E. Ohio St. When I leaned my head towards their mini-van, I discovered that the woman smelled just like mom’s mom…. Funny how that Pittsburgh smell has stuck with me all these years.

And on that note, I’ve been noticing more about how people smell lately. Women, mostly….well, all the time, really. Perfume never did anything for me before, except for Meagan’s Narcisse. But I remember how D’s hair smelled and how A always smells nice…. And how stinky I am.

.Thinking too much about missed obligations…but not doing anything about them. What’s the mental block?

Too Heavy is Gene Levy

too much enthused

too freely spaced out

too heady in the levee

it’s a war inside my head

too often refused

too often left out

too heavy is Gene Levy

it’s a war inside my head

Paths Won’t Cross

if i have to let life work out through serendipity

i’ll always wonder what would happen

if i stayed five minutes longer

or left five minutes sooner

my paths won’t cross and i’ll never know

the people that i know…

Cleanup in the Pharmacy

nearly blew it in walgreen’s today. winding the aisles singing to myself talking to the products…. what the hell is wrong with me?… but just a mild breakdown. maybe i need to go whole hog.

just lose it. for real…. christ i’m in a terrible spot. a dilly of a pickle. something must be done. can’t keep up like this…..

Getting Nowhere

I don’t know where I went wrong today — do you hear that? Where I went wrong today. Not in my life — that’s a bigger issue that I have no hope of figuring out. I’m just looking, right now, at where today went awry. This is bigger than your standard-issue Sunday-got-to-go-back-to-work-tomorrow blahs.

Last night I’m wandering around my apartment, tempted to start hitting walls and doors, deciding somehow to forget about women forever. Really, to forget about everyone forever. Thinking perhaps this project is just taking me out completely of the game of life. What is the deal here? Where did I turn….now I am starting to look at where I went wrong in life.

Things have just been so different lately… What is it? Where did all this come from? I feel like the path has just changed recently…somehow…but I can’t pinpoint where it diverged, or what’s different…or anything.

I’ve been playing these games where I’m trying to flirt my way to freedom and it’s not working, of course… And I just don’t know. It’s gotta be this work thing… Like my feet are stuck in sludge and I can’t move freely…. And I’ve somehow repolarized myself…. But….what am I missing?

What the fuck am I saying? I…. yeesh. Feel like brain chemistry is altered.

Well, this didn’t go well at all.

Idea Ideation

I keep having the idea to have an idea….any idea…and all I can come up with is the idea to have an idea. I remember the process of ideation, and fondly. The times when they would just come to me, without any effort. How on Earth did Oswego pour forth? Where did anything come from?

I wonder if there’s something to the video-game-cell-phone-over-computed rumors….

Fuhgeddaboutit, Adam, it’s Chinatown.