{"id":829,"date":"2011-11-11T12:49:16","date_gmt":"2011-11-11T18:49:16","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.illinoir.com\/wp\/?p=829"},"modified":"2011-11-14T15:16:20","modified_gmt":"2011-11-14T21:16:20","slug":"a-press-conference-with-the-asa","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.illinoir.com\/wp\/?p=829","title":{"rendered":"A Press Conference with the ASA"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Darkness and scary! Word count: 17,294<\/p><\/div>\n

I’d forgotten how much I enjoy\/am better at writing dialogue. Conversations just flow. 1200 words in the blink of an eye. Still a bit behind schedule, but only need to do this ridiciulousness once more (i.e. write 1200 more words) today to be back on track.<\/p>\n

The following happens in the wake of a series of unfortunate events which cause the CDC HQ in Atlanta, GA to unleash a particularly virulent strain of Westphail which causes the true start of the zombie outbreak….. One bit I kinda like is the thought that even when the “enemy” is a virus, or a zombie, people who question the government will still be seen as “giving comfort” to the enemy….<\/p>\n

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Seismologists who still ply their trade agree that the earthquake that occurred 25 minutes after the shelling from Somerset\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s unit stopped would have happened regardless of whether or not the young colonel had made the decision to call in the explosive artillery. The Bremert Fault which runs parallel to Cattahoochee River was due for a quake, there was no denying it. When it would have occurred is a matter of some debate with the more conservative of the earthquake nerds pinning it at anywhere from 10 to 25 years in the future, while the more renegade of the bunch saying it would have happened five minutes earlier had the bombing not happened to delay it.
\n\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not saying that Somerset is a hero per se,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Dr. Ralph Pitimin, spokesman for the American Seismologic Association, said in a news conference three days later, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153but, I would say that he is a man of distinguished courage or ability, who should be admired for his brave deeds and noble qualities. If his admittedly ill-advised decision to drop 30 tons of explosive ordnance on a civilian area that was only experiencing a zombie incursion that by any standards could only be described as miniscule had come any later, this earthquake, which would have measured 8.8 on the Richter Scale and occurred 10 minutes earlier, would have been completely devastating.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d
\nWhen one reporter, who had clearly done his homework, asked Dr. Pitimin how the earthquake which caused the wide dispersal of a virus which had previously been rather well contained could be called anything other than \u00e2\u20ac\u02dccompletely devastating\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 Pitimin responded:
\n\u00e2\u20ac\u0153You, son,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Pitimin started — the reporter sneered; he was at least 20 years Pitimin\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s senior, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153are falling into the trap of a logical fallacy known as argumentum ad historium. You can not say with any certainty what would have happened had certain events taken place differently or not at all. Therefore, by assuming that the earthquake would have happened even if Somerset had not shelled the outlying land, you are following fallacious reasoning. All that can be likely said is that again, while I am not calling Somerset a hero, I would have to say that he is a being of godlike prowess who might come to be honored as a divinity.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d
\nThe reporter, wily veteran though he was, had never encountered such amazing double speak and question avoidance. Nevertheless, he dove back in.
\n\u00e2\u20ac\u0153That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not at all what I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m saying. In fact, it seems that you are appealing to argumentum ad historium by saying that if Somerset hadn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t shelled the land that the earthquake would have caused a complete disaster. What I am trying to say here is that the earthquake was in fact, a complete disaster.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d
\n\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Look, Mister –\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Pitimin started, acting as if he were searching his extensive memory for the reporter\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s name. The truth was that he had never bothered to learn any of the reporters\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 names even though he had spent the last ten years as the Association\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s spokesman and had given any number of press conferences, had allowed numerous reporters to buy him drinks and had slept with at least two of them and even more of their daughters.
\n\u00e2\u20ac\u0153It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s Caesura,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d the reporter started, for it was none other than Hitch Caesura, star reporter for the Atlanta Star-Tribune, the very man who had broken the story in the first place with his dogged investigation of Somerset\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s incompetence. His research into Somerset\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s background had lead to a three day front page report on the mishandling of the viral outbreak by the National Guard, the CDC, and the Atlanta Streets and Sanitation Division. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Hitch –\u00e2\u20ac\u009d
\nPitimin continued, not bothering to wait for Caesura to finish. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153We could argue all day back and forth about who did what, but I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t see how that could possibly change the fact that while I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not calling Somerset a hero, I would go so far as to suggest that in the Homeric period, Somerset would be considered a warrior-chieftan of special strength, courage, or ability. And that your reports, while well-written and wonderfully edited by the fine folks at the Star-Tribune, might be actually, in some way, giving comfort and aid to our enemy.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d
\n\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Comfort and aid to the enemy?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Caesura asked incredulously. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153The enemy is a viral! The virus can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t read!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d
\nPitimin smiled wryly. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know you were an expert on the literacy of the Westphail virus, Mister….\u00e2\u20ac\u009d
\n\u00e2\u20ac\u0153It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s Caesura.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d
\n\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yes, well, Mr. Reporter, I realize that you have done extensive research on this so-called viral outbreak\u00e2\u20ac\u009d — Pitimin used air-quotes to diminish the legitimacy of the words — \u00e2\u20ac\u0153but are you ready to stand here and insist to the world\u00e2\u20ac\u009d — a sweeping gesture to the cameras and microphones that filled the room, the bearers of which were now engaged in an intense game of ping-pong in an attempt to capture not only Pitimin\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s responses, but Caesura\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s as well. Other reporters who, moments before had been eagerly awaiting their turn to ask their own questions now scribbled frantically to record Caesura\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s queries. They knew that the conversation they were witness to was better than anything they could come up with. They knew when they were outmatched — \u00e2\u20ac\u0153that the Westphail virus can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t, in fact, read?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d
\n\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yes,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Caesura responded. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yes, I am.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d
\nPitimin laughed sardonically, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Well then the rest of us can all relax tonight, can we not?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He threw his hands out to his sides, appealing \u00c2\u00a0to the reporters, to his aides, all of whom were taking steps to separate themselves from the obviously deranged man. Nobody wanted his name to appear in a caption under a photo of Pitimin lest their reputation be completely destroyed by association.
\n\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t suggest that any of us can relax anymore, not now that a rare and particularly destructive strain of Westphail has been unleashed upon the southeast United States due to the incompetence and nepotism of the Georgia National Guard and the subsequent earthquake which we came here to ask you about.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d
\nPitimin was unfazed, the singular quality that made him perfect for the job of spokesman. His superiors had always been worried that his tendency to go off-script, and to speak in circles like a politician had made him something of a loose cannon. However, his complete and utter lack of shame when spouting gibberish and the fact that no reporter had ever, or seemingly could ever cause him to trip up gave them comfort.
\n\u00e2\u20ac\u0153So, Mister….\u00e2\u20ac\u009d
\nThis third time, Caesura simply let Pitimin pretend to search for the name, refusing to give the man the opportunity to cut him off again. There was a tense staring match for a matter of minutes before Pitimin continued. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Mister… Mister. You have questions about the earthquake? Go ahead and ask them.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d
\n\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve already heard enough,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Caesura said, putting his notebook into his satchel which lay at his side.
\n\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Surely you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d like to stay and hear what the rest of these fine reporters — your friends and colleagues — have to say, wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t you?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d
\nCaesura looked around the room. His journalistic brethren all shook their heads and shrugged. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I think they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re done as well.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d
\n\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Well then, if that will be all, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll just sum up here and say that Colonel Somerset, while certainly not a hero, could definitely be called a large sandwich, usually consisting of a loaf of bread of longroll cut in half lengthwise and containing a variety of ingredients such as meat, cheese, lettuce, and tomatoes. Good day to you all, gentlemen.\u00e2\u20ac\u009dThe subsequent publication and broadcast of this interview, though tangential to the matter at hand, were viewed and read possibly more than any other press conference in the history of press conferences. Government sympathizers used the material as evidence that the media had gone bonkers, publishing anything they could no matter how irrelevant the content. Those who still had half a functioning brain left in their heads pointed to the reports as damning proof that the United States government had completely jumped the shark.<\/div>\n<\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I’d forgotten how much I enjoy\/am better at writing dialogue. Conversations just flow. 1200 words in the blink of an eye. Still a bit behind schedule, but only need to do this ridiciulousness once more (i.e. write 1200 more words) today to be back on track. The following happens in the wake of a series […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[109,1],"tags":[16],"class_list":["post-829","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-nanowrimo","category-uncategorized","tag-excerpt"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.illinoir.com\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/829","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.illinoir.com\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.illinoir.com\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.illinoir.com\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.illinoir.com\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=829"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/www.illinoir.com\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/829\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.illinoir.com\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=829"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.illinoir.com\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=829"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.illinoir.com\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=829"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}