{"id":338,"date":"2008-11-25T18:54:00","date_gmt":"2008-11-25T18:54:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.illinoir.com\/wp\/?p=338"},"modified":"2008-11-25T18:54:00","modified_gmt":"2008-11-25T18:54:00","slug":"i-have-officially-jumped-the-shark","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.illinoir.com\/wp\/?p=338","title":{"rendered":"I have officially jumped the shark."},"content":{"rendered":"

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Whether or not you believe me, what I am telling you is true,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d said Ward Hill Lamon to the guard at the Wigwam. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I won a contest at the the newspaper for, how many was it?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d
John Jay, standing next to Lamon thought for a second and replied, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Seventy-eight, I believe.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yes, seventy-eight tickets to this event. And so, sir, I insist that you allow I and my friends to enter. To refuse us is to deny the very base beliefs that brings all of us here today, namely the cause of Democracy and the right for a man to be heard in the choosing process of the man who will lead him. We aim to do that, sir. You will not deny us.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Lamon\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s friends (all seventy-seven of them) burst into spontaneous applause. Some who knew not what the trouble was even began clapping.
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153These tickets,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d said the guard (whose name was Worthington Lincoln [no relation]), \u00e2\u20ac\u0153are obviously counterfeit. They\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re on the wrong colored paper, they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re square-shaped instead of rectangulated; they appear to have been printed on top of invitations to a child\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s birthday party; they have the wrong date, time, location, and event name; and to top it all off, they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve already been torn in half. Plus, there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s no official Republican National Committee hologram.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Oh, all of that is easily explained. You see, I left them on my windowsill atop the invitations to my son\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s birthday party. Subsequently, it rained causing the tickets and the invitations to bleed together.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Your son\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s name is Lupita?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d the guard asked.
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a family name. We call him Looper,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Lamon said. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153The weight of the water weakened the tickets to the point that they ripped in half. What else? The color bled, ink ran, and I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t be held responsible for the RNC misprinting dates, times, and event names.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153What about the holograms?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153What the hell is a hologram?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a three dimensional image created by a technique that allows the light scattered from an object to be recorded and later reconstructed so that it appears as if the object is in the same position relative to the recording medium as it was when recorded,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d the guard explained.
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153That sounds really fucking cool,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Lamon admitted. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153But are you sure that exists? I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve never heard of such a thing.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Of course it exists,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d the guard said. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Do you think I would make something like that up for my own amusement? It is as real as this digital watch I am wearing and my personal digital music player.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Where did you get such wonderful toys?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153People with legitimate tickets received a goodie bag as well. The RNC was quite generous this year. They also included a laptop computer.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153A what what whowhoter?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Lamon asked.
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153A laptop computer. It is a personal computing device. It allows one to literally carry one\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s office from place to place and stay in touch no matter where one goes. I can play games of chance, watch motion picture animations, keep my accounts, maintain my correspondence, and much much more, all in the convenience of a device that weighs no more than sixty-two pounds.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d
Lamon whistled appreciatively. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153That sounds like one hell of a device.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d know all about this stuff if you held actual tickets to this event.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153The way I see it, there are seventy-eight of us and only one of you.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Oh my goodness,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d said the guard, his hand lowering instinctively to the pistol he wore on his belt. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Are you threatening me?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Not at all,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Lamon lied.
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Good, because if there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s one thing I absolutely hate more than anything else, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s being threatened.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I hear you on that, brother. Being threatened is the absolute worst.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m glad we agree there. Look, I think you gentlemen should just leave.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153And I think you should know better than to fuck with a native Virginian,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Lamon said.
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153What are you talking about?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Nothing.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He punched the guard in the face, knocking him out. He slipped the guard\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s brand new watch off his wrist. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Come on boys, let\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s go. John, see if you can figure this thing out.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Whether or not you believe me, what I am telling you is true,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d said Ward Hill Lamon to the guard at the Wigwam. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I won a contest at the the newspaper for, how many was it?\u00e2\u20ac\u009dJohn Jay, standing next to Lamon thought for a second and replied, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Seventy-eight, I believe.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yes, seventy-eight tickets to this event. […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-338","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.illinoir.com\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/338","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.illinoir.com\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.illinoir.com\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.illinoir.com\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.illinoir.com\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=338"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/www.illinoir.com\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/338\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.illinoir.com\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=338"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.illinoir.com\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=338"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.illinoir.com\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=338"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}